Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
