Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
