fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
