My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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