I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
