I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
