using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
