and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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