it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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