i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
