You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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