you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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