Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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