Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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