I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
