i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
