Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
