I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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