oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
