I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
