I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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