I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
