I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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