Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She even gives head with a lisp.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
