at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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