I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
