The maid of honor just puked.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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