he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
