Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
its not stalking. its research.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
