i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
