Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
