I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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