Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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