mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
