they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
