I want to stick my p in your. b.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
