Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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