I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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