I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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