Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
