I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
