My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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