I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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