I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
