I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
