Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
