3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
