Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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