im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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