I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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